can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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