First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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