The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
