i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
