Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
