I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
