So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
