i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
