Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
