The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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