thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
