dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
