so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I need water and some morals
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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