those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
