When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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