I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I need to stop coming to work sober
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
