A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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