What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
