WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
