nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
