Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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