The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
