I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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