I met the friendliest cop last night
he puts the penis in happiness.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dick very happy bro
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
