I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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