Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
