I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
