the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
