Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
