Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
