then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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