I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
