when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
