$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
