She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
