So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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