omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
