not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
