your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
