FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
