i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
