I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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