just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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