I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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