onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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