So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The feeling are messing with the penis
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
