Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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