i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
