My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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