i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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