You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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