watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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