I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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