but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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