Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
