chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
