i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
