Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
