tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
